The 5 Player Archetypes You’ll Meet at Every Table

(…and yes, I’ve dealt to all of them this week…)

Working as a Las Vegas dealer is a bit like hosting a reality show where the cast doesn’t know they’re being filmed… and I’m the main character holding it together with a chip rack and humor.

I’ve dealt it all — Blackjack, Baccarat, Roulette, Ultimate Texas, Three Card Poker, Pai Gow — and guess what? The player personalities don’t change. They just put on different outfits depending on the game.

So without further ado, let me introduce you to the five eternal souls haunting every pit across the Strip:

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1. 🐾 The Baccarat Empress (with Lapdog and Thousand-Yard Stare)
Vibe: Power. Poise. Possibly part of the Triad. Tiny dog named Lucky peeking from a Louis Vuitton sling.
Game: Baccarat only. She scoffs at Blackjack. She owns the Tie bet.
Catchphrase: “Banker. Banker. Banker. Don’t touch.”
Behavior:

• Doesn’t look at you. Just taps the felt with fingernails worth more than your car.
• Mutters something in Mandarin, Vietnamese, or Tagalog that makes the whole table flinch.
• Touches cards like they’re Fabergé eggs.
• Flips over a Natural 9 like it’s an ancient prophecy coming true.
• Once side-eyed a man so hard he left the table and re-evaluated his life.

gabro’s Inner Monologue:
She’s not playing. She’s commanding destiny. Also, her dog just growled at me in a British accent.

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2. 🥴 The Confused Tourist Dad Who’s Always in the Wrong Game
Vibe: Cargo shorts. Sunburn. Still thinks he’s in a poker tournament.
Game: Accidentally joins Pai Gow thinking it’s Blackjack.
Catchphrase: “Wait… what’s the high hand again?”
Behavior:

• Looks like he wandered in from a Chili’s.
• Tries to bluff in Roulette.
• Stares blankly at a Pai Gow layout like it’s ancient alien scripture.
• Tells the dealer, “I used to play this on Facebook.”
• Thinks “banking” means taking out a loan.

gabro’s Inner Monologue:
I’m not allowed to drink on shift but you’re making a strong case, sir.

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3. 💍 The Loud Local Who Thinks They Work Here Too
Vibe: Chain wallet. Personalized players card. Has a drink but “doesn’t need it.”
Game: Ultimate Texas Hold’em (because “I know the odds”).
Catchphrase: “You new here?”
Behavior:

• Explains every hand to his girlfriend wrong.
• “Friendly argues” with the pit boss for 18 minutes.
• Tells tourists how to play while losing steadily.
• Wears sunglasses at a closed table.
• Bets the Trips even when he only gets Queen-high.

gabro’s Inner Monologue:
You know just enough to be dangerous… and deeply exhausting.

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4. 💃 The Roulette Diva Who Thinks She’s Controlling the Wheel with Her Mind
Vibe: Sequins. Heels. Three margaritas in. Probably named Trixie or Sparkle.
Game: Roulette ONLY, and only if her number “feels lucky tonight.”
Catchphrase: “Put ten on 17. That’s my ex’s birthday and I just know.”
Behavior:

• Blows kisses at the ball.
• Screams when her number hits (even if she only bet $1).
• Demands a selfie with the dealer after a win.
• Dances in place while waiting for the ball to land.
• Calls me “babe” or “magic hands” and I honestly don’t mind.

gabro’s Inner Monologue:
I’m not saying she’s a witch… but the ball did curve weird when she flipped her hair.

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5. 😅 The High-Roller Who Hates Losing and Has the Emotional Range of a Forklift
Vibe: Rolex. Silent. Looks like a Bond villain but has the vibes of a disappointed principal.
Game: Could be anything. Probably Baccarat. Possibly Blackjack. Plays with dead eyes.
Catchphrase: “…another $5,000.”
Behavior:

• Doesn’t speak. Just nods.
• When he wins: no reaction.
• When he loses: slight inhale. That’s it.
• Tips occasionally — either $500 or nothing.
• Has the pit boss standing behind him like a bodyguard.

gabro’s Inner Monologue:
I have never feared a man more in my life. If he sneezes, I might cry.

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Honorable Mentions
🤠 The Bachelor Party Cowboy Who Tips in Woohoos

📚 The Retired Math Teacher Who Brings a Basic Strategy Chart Like It’s a Bible

👼 The Sweet Old Lady Who Thinks Roulette Is “just a fun guessing game” and wins anyway

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Final Thoughts from the Pit 🎤
Every table is a rotating cabaret of personalities, drama, fashion crimes, and questionable financial decisions.
And me? I’m the sparkly host, guiding them all through the chaos with jazz hands and a perfectly timed side-eye.

So whether you’re a Baccarat Empress or just learning where to put your chips, remember: the dealer sees everything, and we are absolutely judging you with love.

Now be nice, don’t touch the cards, and please, TIP YOUR DEALER!!!

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